Author: Bartholomew “The Stat-Cat” Higgins
Bartholomew Higgins—affectionately known in sportswriting circles as “The Stat-Cat”—is the Post Meridiem Post’s Senior Sports Analyst and leading authority on metrics no one asked for. A former U.S. Capitol custodian with a flair for postseason bracketology, Higgins rose to prominence after correctly predicting the 2022 NCAA basketball final using only squirrel migration patterns and concession stand inventory fluctuations.
His weekly column, The Gilded Sideline, examines the hidden, absurd, and spectacularly meaningless numbers behind the biggest sports stories in America. He refuses to report game outcomes, citing “statistical ethics” and a lifelong allergy to final scores.
Expertise
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Esoteric Sports Statistics
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Behavioral Metrics in Sideline Body Language
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Coaching Disappointment Modeling
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Bench Reaction Heat Maps
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Quantified Vibe Shifts
Experience
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Senior Sports Analyst, Post Meridiem Post (2022–Present)
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Janitorial Staff, U.S. Capitol (2008–2021)
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Independent Bracket Consultant for the Unofficial Vatican Fantasy League
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Former Lab Intern for a rogue sabermetrics startup based out of a Quiznos
Signature Metrics
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Fan Expectation Delusion Quotient (FED-Q™)
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Coaches’ Disappointment Index
Featured Columns
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🏀 The NBA Finals Decided Entirely by Moisture
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⚾ Yankees Win or Lose, But the Dugout Chewing Gum Index Prevails
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🏒 A Complete Breakdown of Zamboni Delay Efficiency (ZDE)
Connect with Bartholomew
Bartholomew is not on social media. He once attempted to live-tweet a curling match but was banned from Threads for “analytic misconduct.” All inquiries must be submitted via clipboard.
Recent Dispatches
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NBA Finals Recap: Confetti Rates High, Coaching Eyebrows Higher By Bartholomew “The Stat-Cat” Higgins – Post Meridiem Post In a historic night that allegedly ended with a championship trophy, The …
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Table of Contents Toggle A’ja Wilson’s Absence Sends Bench High-Five Metrics Into Freefall Concussion Protocol, Chaos, and the Squeak Heard ‘Round the League The Coaches’ Disappointment Index Spikes A Free-Agency Apocalypse or Just …
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Sports
U.S. Open 2025 Winner J.J. Spaun’s REAL Stats: A Breakdown of Putter-Gaze Time and Caddie-Nod Efficiency
Measuring Melancholy: The Disappointment Index™ June 16, 2025 – A golf tournament of some significance, which I am told they call the “U.S. Open,” concluded yesterday in Pennsylvania. A gentleman …
Page last updated: June 30, 2025