Last Updated: Whenever we were last forced to think about this.
1. What in God’s Name is a Cookie?
This document outlines our policy regarding the digital “cookies” our website may or may not be placing on your machine. We have been told this is legally required.
As best as our staff can gather, a “cookie” is a small, invisible, and likely flavorless digital biscuit that our website throws at your computer upon your arrival. We do not know why it does this. It may be a gesture of goodwill, or it may be a cry for help from the server. Our tech editor, Agnes Grimwald, believes they are a form of “digital haunting”—tiny ghosts that remember things you’ve clicked on. Our editor, Monty Blackwood, remains hopeful they are chocolate chip. They are not.
2. The Types of Cookies We Probably Use
We have been informed that we likely utilize the following categories of these inscrutable digital morsels:
Essential (We Assume) Cookies: These are cookies that are apparently necessary for the website to function at its baseline level of quiet desperation. Without them, the whole contraption might fall apart, or the colors might run. We are frankly afraid to turn them off.
Performance & Analytics (Judgmental) Cookies: These cookies allegedly track your on-site behavior, such as your Scroll-to-Sigh Ratio™ and your Existential Dread Score (EDS). This information is then compiled into our “Derivative Data & Inferred Judgments” report, which we use primarily for our own weary amusement.
Advertising (Someone Else’s Problem) Cookies: Our website features advertisements from third parties who seem to think our readership is in the market for discount furniture or questionable legal services. These third parties have their own cookies. We do not know these cookies. We would not invite them to a dinner party. What they do is between you, them, and whatever digital deity you pray to.
3. How to Manage Your Cookies (Good Luck)
You can, in theory, manage or disable these cookies through your browser settings. We have absolutely no idea how to do this. A quick search on “the internet” might yield instructions from someone more competent than us.
Alternatively, you could try leaving an actual, physical cookie on your keyboard as a peace offering to the machine. It seems just as likely to work and is, at the very least, a more dignified and understandable interaction with technology.
We apologize for this policy. It has been as confusing for us to write as it likely has been for you to read.