You Won’t Believe Who Was at Her Bedside
By: Veranda
Darlings, the official story is always so dreadfully dull. The papers are reporting that the current head of Homeland Security and former South Dakota Governor, Kristi Noem, was briefly hospitalized for a “serious allergic reaction” to an “undisclosed allergen.” Her office confirmed she was treated and is now recovering. A simple, sterile story for a simple, sterile world.
But what if I told you it wasn’t an allergy? What if I told you it was… revenge?
My sources, you know, are impeccable. And this week’s source is perhaps my most intimate yet: a stainless-steel bedpan from Ms. Noem’s hospital room. It saw everything.
“They kept calling it an ‘allergic reaction’,” the bedpan confided in me, its voice a low, metallic clang. “But I was there. I saw what really happened. There were no peanuts, no pollen. There was only a faint, ethereal barking and the distinct, chilling smell of wet dog.”
According to my source, shortly after the Secretary was admitted, a strange phenomenon occurred. The lights flickered. A water pitcher on the bedside table mysteriously tipped over. And then, a small, shimmering, translucent puppy appeared at the foot of her bed.
“It was him,” the bedpan whispered, its metal trembling slightly. “It was Cricket. The puppy she wrote about killing. He just… stared at her. And she started sneezing uncontrollably. Her face got all puffy. The nurses were baffled, running allergy tests, but the results all came back negative.”
The bedpan recounted how the ghostly puppy then began to playfully chew on the Secretary’s IV tube, causing the stand to rattle and shake. It seems the “symptoms” only subsided after a hospital chaplain was called in to perform what was officially logged as a “respiratory consultation,” but what my source insists was a hastily performed exorcism.
The Secretary’s office has refused to comment on the specifics of the allergen. They call it a private medical matter. But the furniture knows the truth. It wasn’t an allergic reaction. It was a haunting. A small, spectral puppy, seeking justice from beyond the gravel pit. You heard it here first.
-Veranda
