“No Rebellion Holiday? Let Them Have Januarysixth”: A White Outburst Deleted from the History Books
By Nigel Featherstonehaugh-Smythe, Lead Political Correspondent for Affairs of Dubious Statesmanship
June 19, 2025 – Washington, D.C.
The Outrage Heard ‘Round the Suburbs
As flags wave and barbecue thermometers spike, a persistent murmur floats from certain corners of the right-wing bleachers: “Wait, if we get Juneteenth, where’s Januarysixth?”
At least three op-eds have been hastily commissioned, multiple Fox News tickers have been pulled off script, and a Madison Avenue print shop is reportedly cranking out “Januarysixth” commemorative mugs faster than a political rewind.
Entitled Logic: If They Got One, We Can Get One Too
Columnist “Dave From Des Moines” writes, “It’s only fair—rebelling against the government deserves at least as much recognition as ending slavery. We demand symmetry!”
You see, nuance is overrated. To these logic jockeys, if one group receives a historical acknowledgment, it must be matched with tit-for-tat vengeance equity. Because history is a ledger, not a narrative.
Rebellion ≠ Redemption
Juneteenth commemorates liberation from a brutal system—not an insurrection or storming of government property. The two events share no moral equivalence, but don’t tell that to our holiday hunters.
Nigel: rebel vs. rebel… but only one involved white militia.
Media Applause and Real Estate
Despite feeble media coverage, conservative cable shows are sitting in solemn somber over roundtable pancakes, seriously pondering flag design. Fox’s “Patriot Primer” today discussed whether “Januarysixth” should be painted on the side of school buses.
As if proclaiming “civic vandalism” on a minivan will correct history.
Nigel’s Final Note
To those demanding a “Januarysixth” holiday: How about we agree to one thing—
Next time you fist-pump a flagpole or upset a school zone, don’t call it freedom.
You’ve seen the sequel to violent political theater. What we want is not reenactment. We want reflection. We want better. And we’ll see you on Juneteenth with our cigars lit, our barbecues blazing—and none of your mugs on our shelves.
