Let me be the first to say what the mainstream won’t: it’s about time someone defended the monarchy—our monarchy, the one etched into the marble abs of the Founding Fathers.
On June 14, in a clear act of war against tradition, law, and primetime programming, so-called “protesters”—likely unemployed sorcerers from Portland—erupted in every state under the banner of “No Kings.” Five million Americans flooded the streets, not to celebrate coronations or Fox Nation documentaries, but to criticize the return of strong, decorative leadership.
They chanted bizarre slogans like “Down with authoritarianism!” and “Bring back consent of the governed!”—phrases so anti-family and anti-constitutional I had to turn the volume down on my TV and call a neighbor to yell.
Luckily, President Trump responded as any Founding Monarch would:
4,100 National Guard troops
700 Marines
1 televised address filmed at golden hour with a fog machine
And one very brave reenactment of George Washington’s silent disapproval
What Do They Want? Less Royalty, More Diversity. Sickening.
The group calls itself the “50501 Movement,” which I assume is the number of antifa operatives funded by George Soros or a secret Area 51 ZIP code. They claim to stand for freedom, anti-ICE policies, LGBTQ+ protections, and elected leadership that isn’t one shriek away from a cholesterol-induced fugue state. How dare they.
Protests were particularly unruly in Los Angeles, where demonstrators set fire to a discarded episode of The Apprentice Season 6 and attempted to “de-federalize” a local Taco Bell. Marines parachuted in during the 8 o’clock hour, just as I was beginning my nightly prayers to the ghost of Ronald Reagan.
Newsom’s Betrayal: A Governor Who Thinks He’s President
California’s Gavin Newsom, a known hair-gel socialist, has vowed to challenge the deployment of federal troops, claiming it “violates state sovereignty.” I checked my Fox-approved Constitution replica and nowhere does it say “states get to sass the troops.”
Newsom—who once banned plastic straws and joy—now claims the Insurrection Act is “being misused.” I say if we didn’t want to use it, why would we write it in cursive so beautifully?
Back to Basics: Marines, Monarchs, and a Morally Sound 7PM Lineup
As the smoke clears and the liberals flee to brunch, America stands divided—but not confused. One side wants order, loyalty, and ceremonial horse parades, while the other wants voting rights and breathable air.
We at The Gilded Screen say: Long live the Constitution (with a crown on top). And if you have to send in the Marines to stop citizens from expressing themselves peacefully, well… maybe they should’ve picked a more broadcast-friendly rebellion.
Now, if you’ll excuse me, I have to go salute a commemorative plate shaped like Sean Hannity’s jawline.
