By Nigel Featherstonehaugh-Smythe
Lead Political Correspondent, Post Meridiem Post
MAGA Wants a Superman—But Aroused by Homelander
METROPOLIS (or what’s left of it) —
In an era where facts are optional and ideology is costume jewelry, it was only a matter of time before the Make America Great Again movement declared cultural war on Superman. Yes, Superman—the fictional alien refugee who literally fights for truth and justice—has once again been deemed insufficiently fascist by a demographic whose literary depth ends at graphic memes of George Washington bench-pressing freedom.
Recent outrage erupted across MAGA-friendly corners of the internet when DC Comics announced that the Man of Steel would once again be portrayed as… decent. In My Adventures With Superman, Clark Kent is kind, self-effacing, and largely uninterested in vaporizing the poor. This, apparently, is woke.
“Superman used to be a real man,” lamented a verified user on X who also follows 14 liver supplement accounts. “Now he’s just WOKE in a cape.”
Across Reddit and Truth Social, theories bloomed like mold on a forgotten flag cake. The real Superman, they argued, was Homelander, the sadistic, narcissistic, laser-eyed antihero from The Boys. Because nothing says “American values” like vaporizing civilians to own the libs.
From Krypton to Cry-Baby Country
Homelander, for those unfamiliar, is a satire. He is meant to expose the dangers of unchecked nationalism and corporate propaganda. He is not a role model. He is the guy Superman punches through to save Metropolis.
But satire, as always, is lost on the movement that thinks The Onion is run by the CIA. MAGA influencers have rallied around Homelander like he’s a Fox News host with x-ray vision. Memes comparing Homelander’s “strength” to Superman’s “weakness” abound. Their reasoning? Superman believes in helping people without first checking if they voted red.
“Superman is woke,” they cry. “He’s soft.” “He doesn’t even speak English!” (Editor’s note: He does. And also Kryptonian.)
Of course, this isn’t the first time conservatives have turned on capes. Captain America faced backlash for saying Nazis were bad. Batman was accused of grooming children by a right-wing Substack. At this point, if Aquaman recycles, he’s Antifa.
MAGA’s Dream Superhero Is Just Homeland Insecurity
What the movement really wants is not a superhero, but a hyper-masculine mascot for retribution. They do not dream of Superman rescuing a kitten—they dream of Superman kicking a protestor into the sun. They don’t want justice. They want vengeance in spandex.
Enter Homelander: a lab-grown MAGA messiah who confuses strength with cruelty and patriotism with megalomania. He is what happens when you replace Superman’s moral compass with Tucker Carlson’s monologues and a gallon of whey protein.
“If Homelander were real, January 6th would’ve worked,” read one now-deleted post on Telegram. (Sources say the author has since been banned from Planet Fitness for excessive yelling during preacher curls.)
Red Capes, Red Hats
Superman, the immigrant journalist raised by rural farmers, is everything MAGA claims to love. He’s strong, humble, and allergic to fascism. But in the upside-down funhouse of modern conservatism, Superman is suspicious because he doesn’t scream.
The irony, of course, is that Superman wouldn’t even notice MAGA’s tantrums. He’s busy preventing wildfires, stopping asteroids, and politely correcting Batman’s grammar. Meanwhile, MAGA Homelander fans are arguing that compassion is un-American and that Clark Kent is a soy boy.
Spoiler alert: In every timeline, Superman wins. Not because he’s brutal. But because he’s good.
Even when the algorithm favors rage, truth still leaps tall buildings in a single bound.
