Welcome to the online presence of The Post Meridiem Post. This website serves as the digital containment unit for our particular brand of satirical news and weary observations. By visiting this site, you are tacitly acknowledging that you have a robust sense of humor or have arrived here by mistake.
We are deeply committed to your privacy, primarily through our own profound and unwavering technological incompetence. Our IT department consists of a luddite who believes Wi-Fi is a form of dark magic and an editor who once tried to fix a server with whiskey (the server was not fixed, but the editor felt better for a time). Be assured, we are far too disorganized to mount any sort of sophisticated data-harvesting operation against you.
Regarding “cookies”: We use them because a pop-up window told us we had to. We do not know their purpose, their flavor, or how to get their crumbs out of the keyboard. We believe they are powered by the same “electric ghost” our tech editor fears. Any data they may collect is likely lost in the same digital void where our hopes, dreams, and last month’s advertising revenue reside.
Our solemn guarantee to you, our reader, is this: your personal information is almost certainly safer with us than with any competent organization, for the simple reason that we wouldn’t know what to do with it. We can barely find our own car keys. Your data is, for all intents and purposes, lost in the couch cushions of our server, and we have no intention of looking for it.
Thank you for your visit. Please clear your Browse history, not for your sake, but for ours. It’s less paperwork that way.
Information We Derive (Primarily Through Sheer Guesswork)
While our ability to intentionally collect your personal data is, as previously stated, negligible, our server does occasionally emit whirring sounds which our tech editor, Agnes, believes to be the machine “having thoughts.” From these electronic emanations, we derive the following user metrics:
Behavioral & Existential Metrics
Scroll-to-Sigh Ratio™: We measure the average distance a user scrolls down a page before a long, motionless pause, which we interpret as the precise moment they give up on the article, and possibly, the day.
Existential Dread Score (EDS): Calculated by the amount of time your cursor hovers over a particularly bleak headline from our “Why-to-Whynot Pipeline” without actually clicking. A longer hover time indicates a higher score.
Argument Formulation Latency: The time elapsed between a reader finishing an opinion piece by Dr. Thaddeus T. Stone and beginning to type an angry, often misspelled, comment.
Emotional Effluence & Psychic Residue
Amorphous Rage Level (ARL): Derived from the velocity and pressure of your mouse clicks. Faster, harder clicks are logged and interpreted as a general fury directed at the world, for which our website is a convenient, non-judgmental outlet.
Sense of Quiet Desperation: Inferred from the number of articles read in a single session between the hours of 1 a.m. and 4 a.m.
Cynicism Quotient: An aggregate score based on which of our columnists you read most frequently. A high score indicates a dangerous preference for the work of Veranda and our editor, Monty Blackwood.
Technical Competence Markers
Accidental Ad-Click Percentage: We use this to measure how flustered or poorly-caffeinated you are. A high percentage suggests a state of mild panic or caffeine withdrawal.
Password-Reset Incompetence Index: The number of times you attempt to log into a non-existent subscription account on our website. (Note: We do not have subscription accounts).
Cookie Acceptance Resignation Rate: How quickly you click ‘Accept All’ on our cookie banner. This is our most valuable metric, as it tells us precisely how broken your spirit is by the modern internet.
Addition to Privacy Policy
Clause 17.a: Assumption of Existential Risk & Pro-Rata Share of Misery
By continuing to use this website, you, the User, hereby acknowledge that exposure to the content contained herein may result in one or more of the following non-physical, spiritual, or existential damages:
A general sense of weariness with the state of the world.
A dawning suspicion that civilization is a fragile and poorly-written charade.
An increased appreciation for strong spirits before, during, and after reading the news.
The sudden, unsettling urge to ask a piece of furniture for its opinion.
You agree to assume your pro-rata share of the ambient misery generated by this publication and its staff. You agree to hold The Post Meridiem Post harmless from any loss of optimism, decline in faith in humanity, or damage to your personal sense of well-being.
In short, you knew what this was when you clicked on the link. Don’t come crying to us.