Effective Date: Whenever you started to lose faith in society.
Welcome to https://www.google.com/search?q=thepostmeridiempost.com (the “Site”). These Terms of Service (“Terms”) constitute a legally binding agreement between you (“User,” “Reader,” “Disappointed Onlooker”) and The Post Meridiem Post (“Us,” “We,” “The Management”). By accessing this Site, you agree to be bound by these Terms, even if you do so by accident.
1. Description of Service
The Post Meridiem Post provides satirical news, absurd observations, and poorly-reasoned opinions (the “Content”). The Content is designed to hold a cracked, funhouse mirror up to a world that is already absurd. If at any point the Content begins to seem reasonable or normal, we advise you to turn off your device and go for a long walk.
2. User Conduct
As a User, you agree not to:
a) Take any of our articles as literal, factual reporting. Doing so is a reflection on you, not us.
b) Attempt to sue us for emotional distress. Our editor has a standing policy of using legal summonses as cocktail napkins.
c) Demand to speak to the manager. The manager is our editor, Monty Blackwood, and he is likely indisposed.
d) Harass our Art Department. She is seven years old and will cry, which creates a difficult work environment.
3. Intellectual Property
All Content on this Site, including the unique brand of grammatical chaos employed by our writers and the profound truths whispered by furniture to our Gossip Columnist, is the property of The Post Meridiem Post. You may share our articles, but if you do, you must adopt a tone of weary resignation when discussing them. Any attempt to pass our work off as serious journalism will be met with our deepest, most sincere pity.
4. Disclaimer of Warranties
The Site and its Content are provided “as-is” and “as-is-probably-riddled-with-typos.” We make no warranty that the Content will be accurate, reliable, timely, or a source of anything other than mild amusement followed by a lingering sense of melancholy. We expressly disclaim any warranty of fitness for a particular purpose, especially if that purpose is to become a better-informed citizen.
5. Limitation of Liability
In no event shall The Post Meridiem Post, its parent company (a man who won it in a card game), its staff of burnouts, its unpaid interns, or its office ficus be liable for any damages whatsoever, including but not limited to: loss of faith in humanity, arguments started at Thanksgiving, sudden urges to consult squirrels for financial advice, or any existential dread resulting from the use of this Site.
6. Termination Clause
We reserve the right to terminate your access to this Site at any time, for any reason, but we are far too disorganized to ever actually do so. Likewise, you may terminate this agreement at any time by simply closing the browser tab and pouring yourself a stiff drink. We recommend the latter regardless.
By continuing to scroll, you agree to all of the above. Or you don’t. At this point, what difference does it make?