Our Journalistic Integrity is Negotiable
By Montgomery “Monty” Blackwood
To Whom It May Concern (and we do mean you, provided your net worth has a comma in it or several),
Greetings from the editorial desk of The Post Meridiem Post, a proud, semi-solvent institution where truth is our guiding light—unless, of course, you’d prefer a softer glow.
Today, I write not to investigate injustice or speak truth to power, but to attract power that speaks in wire transfers.
Billionaire-Owned Media: The New Yacht
We have observed, with something between admiration and hunger, the trend of billionaires acquiring media properties like one might collect underperforming vineyards. Jeff Bezos has The Washington Post. John Henry scooped up The Boston Globe. Elon Musk swallowed the blue bird whole and now chirps unfiltered from its corpse.
It is, as they say, the vibe.
We at The Post Meridiem Post humbly offer ourselves as the next great indulgence. We’re affordable. We’re desperate. And most importantly—we’re narratively nimble.
A Vision-Forward Investment
To Mr. Mark Cuban: We admire your pharmaceutical innovations. Imagine that kind of disruption applied to our op-ed page. We’ll undercut truth wholesale. We’ll offer facts with generics. Want a paywall? We’ll install one made of Jell-O and promises.
To prospective media barons: Are you a Silicon Valley demigod craving good press for your latest quantum napkin dispenser? Our front page awaits. A hedge fund ghoul hoping to nudge public sentiment away from capital gains taxes? We’ve got fonts for that. Need to publish your manifesto in something classier than a Notes app screenshot? Our managing editor can ghostwrite and design the pull quotes.
Our Needs Are Modest
All we ask is:
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A coffee maker that doesn’t scream like it’s reenacting a murder.
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Lunch that doesn’t involve “foraging” the neighbor’s office fridge.
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Ink. That’s it. We’d like to print again.
In exchange, you get legacy media street cred and unlimited influence over our editorial direction. You also get to say “I own a newspaper,” which pairs nicely with artisanal tequila at fundraisers.
Our Pledge of Partial Allegiance
We promise to uphold journalistic values whenever possible—but also to swiftly pivot toward your preferred ideological horizon should the winds (or funding) shift. We’re not just for sale. We’re eager to please. Call it media servitude with a subscription model.
Closing Note
So, to the benevolent billionaires lurking in the wings—won’t you consider us? For less than the price of your fifth-favorite NFT, you could own a newspaper, a megaphone, a propaganda machine, and a fully staffed dream team of the morally curious.
We await your offer with trembling hope and a shared Lyft account.
Yours, flexibly,
Montgomery “Monty” Blackwood
Editor-in-Chief
The Post Meridiem Post
