A Dispatch on a New, and Rather Boastful, Telephonic Apparatus
WASHINGTON D.C. – June 16, 2025 – One was made aware today of a new commercial venture unveiled by the President’s two eldest sons, Donald Jr. and Eric, a duo who always carry the air of men who have just been dared to touch a wet painting. They have launched a mobile telephone service, cunningly named “Trump Mobile,” which they presented to the world with the sort of brash enthusiasm usually reserved for monster truck rallies.
The entire enterprise is a fascinating study in applied patriotism and aggressive branding. The service offers two models of telephone: the “Patriot” (in a rather loud shade of red) and the “Commander” (in a gold so vibrant it borders on belligerent). These are not mere communication devices, one is told, but “symbols of freedom” that come pre-loaded with an “uncensored” application store, presumably for those who find the existing digital marketplaces too restrictive in their offerings of conspiracy theories and poorly-coded games.
The most startling innovation, however, is the device’s “personal assistant,” an artificial intelligence that has been “trained exclusively on President Trump’s speeches, rallies, and media appearances”. One shudders to imagine the user experience. Asking for the weather might result in a five-minute tirade about unfair trade deals. A request for driving directions could be met with a rambling, yet passionate, account of past electoral victories. It is less a personal assistant and more a pocket-sized, digital grievance machine.
And yet, the true genius of the plan lies not in the technology, but in the financing. A portion of the proceeds from every “Trump Mobile” plan, the sons proudly announced, will be directed into President Trump’s legal defense fund.
This is a breathtakingly modern business model. In years past, one bought a product for its utility. With Trump Mobile, the consumer is not merely buying a telephone; they are purchasing a stake in the ongoing legal skirmishes of a former president. Your monthly cellular bill becomes a sort of retainer. It is a bold move, transforming telecommunications into a form of continuous, crowd-sourced litigation funding.
The entire presentation by the younger Trumps had the quality of a school play put on by two boys who are both quite certain they will be receiving a pony for their efforts. They spoke of “freedom” and “patriotism,” all while promoting a telephone service designed to pay their father’s lawyers. It is a level of commercial and political synergy that is both deeply cynical and, one must admit, strangely impressive. One awaits the inevitable “MAGA-watt” charging cable with a mixture of dread and professional curiosity.
